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Still Going!

Even after all these weeks (of not posting), I am still doing yoga every day. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I have also started meditating. I've been keeping this journal pretty light and fluffy, but I've decided this is as good a place as any to get more real. It will be therapeutic. The truth is that I've been feeling lousy, both physically and mentally, for many months now. Well, I was. I'm actually a lot better now and the meditating is part of it. Let me go back a bit.

I think I have mentioned this, but the fall semester was horrible. I have never felt as physically and emotionally exhausted, as mentally hazy, as stripped bare as I did by the time I submitted my grades and declared myself done with work for 2020. The semester started out alright, but the combination of working and teaching online, "homeschooling" my own kids, and our exceedingly poor decision to get a dog filed me down, day after day, until I was close to gone. Heading into the last couple of weeks, I was hardly sleeping and I couldn't string two thoughts together. I set a small fire in the kitchen cooking eggs one morning. I could barely participate in casual conversation, much less respond to questions from students in class. It was unpleasant but not alarming because I knew it was temporary. I was exhausted, but the semester was almost over. Finally I was done and I felt some initial relief. I took a couple of days to let myself do almost nothing. It was nice, but not the full-body, blissful release that I sometimes experience at the end of a difficult fall semester. And as break wore on, for some reason it got worse. I found it harder and harder to relax. Now, this was Christmas during Covid-19. We did not have any big plans. There were no trips to go on and no company to prepare for. In principle, it should have been pretty easy! Just the four of us (plus the three pets) in the house, watching movies, reading books, (the adults) drinking wine, eating cookies, and enjoying downtime. And a lot of break was enjoyable. I went on hikes with Matt and the dog several times a week. I read a lot of nice books and sat in comfort in front of our fire, covered in blankets. But I could not totally wind down. My shoulders and neck grew so stiff it felt more like an injury than tension. The evenings were especially bad. I felt anxious, almost panicked, as I reclined on the couch watching tv. I could also feel allergy symptoms starting to pick up (in December?!?) As the allergies got worse, my right armpit started to get sore as well. That sounds bad, but it's something that has happened to me since my 20s and it's not typically a big deal. It lasts a while, causes me some angst, and goes away. But this time it wasn't going away. It was getting worse and more uncomfortable and, in short, convinced me that I was dying. Of course. 

I have to stop with this story for tonight but there will be more. No proofreading, just posting...



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