Durango

This post is called Durango because that's where I am. Or near enough. We are in a gigantic Airbnb about a 15-minute drive north of Durango, CO for my in-laws' 50th wedding anniversary extravaganza. The whole extended clan is here, extended meaning my in-laws, both their sons, and their families. We had an adventure getting here--our original flight to Denver was canceled, with no explanation, which we discovered at 4:00 the morning we were scheduled to fly at 9. The flight they rebooked us on was unacceptable for a number of reasons and the wait time to talk to an agent was 8 hours. So, after some actually relatively mild freaking out, we booked tickets for the same evening to Phoenix. The flight was smooth enough, we spent the night in a hotel, and drove 7.5  hours the next day, yesterday, to Durango. It was a long drive, but spectacular. We saw cacti and mesas and painted desert, dust storms, rock formations, and tumbleweed. We ate lunch at a truly abysmal Dairy Queen, but we were smart to do so because it was the only option for hours. I loved being on our own for these precious hours in an exotic location taking hundreds of digital photos and singing along to musicals. 

Now that we are with the clan things are less free. It's still nice (this land is breathtaking), but it's much more about navigating social dynamics and vying for time in the bathroom. The house is huge, but oddly proportioned and there are no hooks for hanging wet towels or bathing suits. And that makes no sense because the house sleeps 20 and has a hot tub. Today we took the Durango Silverton Train from, yep, Durango to Silverton. It was lovely and impressive, but boy was I tired. I would have appreciated it more on a different day, I think. It was certainly enjoyable, but maybe not what it would have been had we been less tired. But it was nice to see this wild land, with its mountains and rivers and rocks and canyons, from the train. We decided that tomorrow will be a quiet day. We all get to sleep as late as we want and because there's no set schedule, we won't all be making breakfast at the same time and competing over the bathroom. 

I have been anxious about this trip for quite a while. I don't travel well with others because I am reliant on personal space and familiar comforts. I don't like logistical complications and I am easily overstimulated. So I have not been looking familiar to a week plus with nine others, as fond as I may be of the others as individuals. But here's the thing -- my doctor finally convinced me two months ago to start on anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication. And what a difference it has made. I have been near despair for months, perhaps years. All of that was gone within, like, a week, maybe two. It is marvelous. I was resistant for so very long because I don't trust medications and I didn't want the side effects. I thought I was being weak, I needed to exercise more, eat better, meditate more, do more yoga, get more friends, etc. But here's the thing -- I do all that stuff. A lot. I have tried it all and nothing has helped. It has been an objectively rough last couple of years. Everyone has motivation problems these days. No one really wants to get out of bed. Or, maybe that's not true. Maybe I only thought it was true because of how I was feeling. Regardless of how others were and are feeling, I was in a bad, bad place and I realize now that it was chemical, at least to some extent. Starting on the medication changed things almost immediately. I started to regain interest in little things like baking projects. I started approaching work days, even Mondays, without crippling dread and tears. In fact, full disclosure, I haven't cried in two months, which I honestly think isn't quite right, probably rather wrong, but it is how it is going and I don't want to go back, at least now. I feel mostly like a person now, a person who lives in the world and can do things in the world and be a part of things. I still have complaints, of course. I still wonder what the hell is going on with the broader world and why my job is the way that it is and why I am doing it. But I no longer feel abjectly useless and undeserving of my pay. Yes, things are better now than they were two months ago and I am grateful.