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Day 38

I haven't done my yoga for today yet, but I will! Instead I am working on a paper that I'm writing for a conference that I probably won't end up attending. (They moved the date later by a month with the hope of meeting in person, but now it falls during the week we have our rental house booked for NH. They may or may not have online options, but even if they do I don't want to commit to it.) I decided to open this tab and start writing because I need to clear my mind. It is Monday morning. I never enjoy starting the work week so I thought I might try to sleep in a bit this morning, but I was thwarted by the kids fighting loudly  in the kitchen over breakfast. I got up to find everyone unpleasantly disposed in various ways except the dog, who had stolen Matt's breakfast amidst the fray and was quite pleased with herself. Thus started the week. 

Now the drama is past and everyone is hard at work doing whatever they do all day and all week. Although I spend all day every day in a house with three other people, I have rarely in my life felt more alone. Each of us manages to exist in our own solitary worlds, whether physical (bedrooms) or mental (absorbed in whatever school/work/home project has risen to the surface). We sometimes watch TV together, but W's sleep schedule is so different from everyone else's that we never know whether to expect him for the latest episode, or even a family meal. I have stopped worrying about it. There are worse things than missing dinner. This pandemic is so rough on kids, and I feel especially bad for W, who is starting a new school this year and doesn't know anyone. I always have to remind myself that in the scope of bad things caused by the pandemic, that is small. But it is still huge. 

Back to this paper. I know exactly what I want to say, it's supposed to be relatively short, I've been working on it for weeks, but ugh, I can't get my thoughts together appropriately. I have to just keep muddling through. I probably give up or get distracted too easily every day. Maybe I can make huge progress today once I get back to it. Maybe?

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